London Sound

Need to recreate the feeling of being in the capital. No problem. Just press play and be transported into a coffee shop in Shoreditch. 

Pub talk

Go on then I'll have another black rat. Sitting in a pub in south west London. Old man at the bar chatting to the bartender:

Old man 'First Bowie, then Rickman and now they are taking off the Doombar.'

Bartender 'I know, everything is in a state of decay and dying.'

Old man 'That's true. Still, I don't mind the Seafarers, at least they are not replacing it with another lager like Fosters.'

Bartender nods, serves pint 'Well anyway, enjoy.'


Some things non-tea drinkers will not understand

  1. A cup you mug!

Starting with the cup. The cup is everything - the thinner the better. Has anyone ever said 'would you like a mug of tea?'. No. Because they are not stupid.  

Ooo fancy


  1. A tea by any other name would be shit.

Yorkshire Tea, loose leaf tea, Twining's (NOT Everyday or English Breakfast), Dragon Fly, Tick Tock Rooibos, Clipper, Tea Pigs, don’t bother with anything else. Get ALL ranges of this tea. It will cost you about 8 million pounds but on the plus side you will have a cupboard full of nice tea that you can look at every time you open it to use the Yorkshire Tea.

This is for show.

  1. Fruit tea is NOT tea.


Would you like some vegetables with your roast dinner? Oh yes please. Oh good well here’s an apple but as a bonus it doesn’t taste of apple it tastes like some sawdust that once was near an apple. That’s the conversation we just had when you offered me a fruit tea.

What the actual fuck is this?

  1. Sorry, I asked for tea and what you heard was molten lava with a tea bag incinerated in it.

So you got a boat, yeah? And you rowed to Kenya, wrestled a lion to the ground, and got shot in the arse by poachers in order to secure the best coffee beans. You're telling me all about it, as you take me through an agonising showreel of your minute by minute footage, as you grind up the beans in something that would not look out of place in the tower of London, then transfer it into an enormous machine that takes 20 minutes to get up to speed with the task in hand and then look at me as if I’ve just force fed your kids said lion shit when I ask you to take the tea bag out of my cup of scalding hot water.

So interesting




Yes that is a lovely french dresser with all those lovely teapots on it. Oh, they are decorative are they? Really? Don’t bother with them, no? To be fair you’d have to swill it out for 2 seconds before and after so yeah I totally see your point. You are pointless, go away.

Use me you bastards.

  1. Milk in first? You filthy heathen?


The royals really fucked this up for everyone. Since we’re pretending we’re 27th in line for the throne and that we didn’t eat fish fingers off of the grill for breakfast this morning apparently we must obey the sequence of how to put this bit of cow’s discharge in a cup. Here’s the thing, no one really remembers which way round. Both sides have completely logical arguments and so long as you don’t do a big gob in my tea, I don’t care.


Thanks for inviting me round by the way. Wov woo.



Flumpton in a Tabard

Be afraid piles of washing up and carpet fluff! I am your worst nightmare, I am all over you, you're going down. Isn't it funny when you're supposed to be doing work how many other things spring to mind that simply must be sorted. When faced with finishing off that covering letter it becomes a matter of national importance to sort through one's sock drawer. Untouched kitchen surfaces become shiny, gleaming wonders. The long serving and loyal ikea kettle get's the shock of a like time as you lovingly descale and polish it. All the while surreptitiously ignoring the blinky blink blink of your computer screen saver.

14.03pm - So here I am ready to face down all thing's mess in my flat, can't start a business without a tidy flat. Tidy flat, tidy mind. Is without a doubt the most important thing I should be doing right now.

14.05pm - Should probably have a cup of tea first, otherwise I'll just be messing up more cups once I've finished cleaning. Tea anyone?

Redundancy can really free up one's week

Hey so, I've been made redundant. Big News. Big Day. Hello.

Going to have to sort out the really important shit, if I'm going to run my own business, you know like business cards and an amazing logo, first things first and all that.

1.23pm - bit tired maybe some sleep is in order. I made an amazing chilli today, not planning on selling it but I'm thinking that adding some blueberries and cooking for another 4 hours  = win. Could sell that idea if it tastes good, though don't know if you can sell food ideas? Probably won't look into that as I think I already know the answer.

Good thought for a really lovely sleep; I no longer have to work for or look at that big-fat-twat-cunt-face ever again, will take a while to get over the big bottomed bully, but, yay I am now my own boss. I command a lie-in at once. This can only be brillskills. Bye bye Double Denium may you rest in hell with Sneeky Sneeky Two Fingers, I never have to consider your stupid half-witted opinion ever again. Die die die, you're an arse arse arse! All done now, sleepy pockets everywhere. Tatatatatatatatatatatatatatatata. X (stickman doing a handstand).